Slowing Down

This last week I have tried to be very careful with my time. I am aware that basically everyone in the world is crazy busy. I have felt myself running and running for most of my life. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish. Probably the most important one is to be a good mother. But I want to be a good mom in so many ways. I not only want to love and teach and treasure my children, I want to keep a nice, clean home for them that they can feel the spirit in. I want to do things that will given them an example to follow. I want to be educated so I have a leg to stand on when I stress their schoolwork. I want to take time for myself so that I can be my best for them. I want to have friends and do things away from everyday life so that I can continually be refreshed and reminded of what a wonderful life I truly have. This last week I decided to make better use of my time. One of the important aspects of that is that I decided not to fill every moment of it. I wanted to be careful to not overload myself and lose sight of important things. So I kept my house reasonably clean but didn't stress about every detail being perfect. I took Lila out to do fun things but didn't schedule an outing every day. I decided not to watch any TV. I went to bed early. I worked on my homework in small bits and kept up on assignments rather than scrunching everything into the end right before it was due. I was available to help out when others needed it and respond to promptings of the spirit. Now, I really only started this on Monday or Tuesday. Keeping it up long-term will be a completely different matter. But I ran across this Mormon Message today that made me hope that I am on the right track.

My life has been far from perfect. I have been whiny and mean and short-tempered and sad. I haven't allowed myself to be fully happy with all of my blessings. I am hoping that by making this effort I will be able to become a more grateful, happy, good person. And I am so glad that I have the gospel in my life to help me do it. I know that I can utilize the atonement in my life to heal my sadness and cleanse my sins. I know that I have divine potential. It's time for me to start trying to live up to it.

The Monster Created a Woman

In case you are wondering, we solved our monster problem. How did we do it?

Yes. People always told me my kids would grow up fast. But this is a little too much. My baby girl is sleeping on a twin sized bed. Since this bed isn't in the room she associates with the monster, she sleeps in it. She stays in it (most of the time). Up until now I have maintained that I would keep Lila in a crib as long as I possibly could. I never thought that it would be a monster that chased her out of it at the young age of 2 years, 4 months, and 13 days old. 

And that's not all.

This picture was taken in November when we first put Lila on the potty. It was just an introduction, not a full-fledged potty training attempt. But over the next few months we encouraged it and let her try it every once in a while. Most mornings I would ask her if she wanted to wear panties instead of her diaper. One day she said yes. And that's when it started! I think that was in March. On Sunday Lila told me she needed to go poo poo, then proceeded to do so. I now consider her potty trained. She rarely has accidents, sleeps through most of her naps without wetting the bed, and can tell me when she needs to pee and poo.

This is Lila right now. She undressed herself, and got herself dressed for bed. Granted, she isn't very good at it. Most mornings she tries to dress herself and either ends up with a dress on backwards or screaming for help when she gets stuck. But tonight she did it all on her own.

She also has an extensive vocabulary, often speaks in full sentences, remembers people's names, helps me clean up, and frequently pops up with information I had no idea she had any clue about (once when she was excited she started saying "yee-haw!" and galloping around. I don't' ever say yee-haw).

I am flabbergasted by my little angel. My mom told me recently that if I ever have a boy I will wonder what is wrong with him. Of course, boys tend to take a little longer to learn things like speech and going potty, but my little girl is an all-star.

Oh, and please if you disagree and think she is just on a normal track for development, don't burst my proud bubble. I like being proud of my little girl.

We Created A Monster Out of Lila's First Monster

Early this morning Lila woke up yelling for me. "Mommy! Mommy! Come get me!" It took me a second to wake up and get in there, and I picked her up and cuddled her for a few minutes. Usually when she wakes up in the middle of the night I can get her to go back to sleep in her crib. But for some reason this morning she was insistent despite my seemingly lengthy effort to persuade her otherwise. She finally won by asking for daddy. When I brought her into our room she stuck her head right on my pillow and pulled up the covers. Didn't even look to see if daddy was there. But she was pretty good most of the night (as opposed to her usual tossing and turning and turning herself sideways to kick one of us in the head). When we were all awake in bed she asked me to go close her door. She was pretty insistent, so I got up and closed it. I didn't think too much of it because she likes doors to be closed and she asked me to close my door too.

A few minutes later at breakfast she said something about biting her. I don't know if it was that she was afraid something was going to bite her or that something didn't bite her or what. If I had ignored it we probably would have been fine. But instead we probed. "Who was trying to bite you?" "Was it a monster?" "Is the monster in your room?" She started talking about how it tried to bite her pull up, but her jammies protected it. We talked about it for a minute or two. Then lila asked if mommy would protect her. And later said that we would save her. So for the rest of breakfast we talked about how when we were done we would go get the monster our of her room.

When we were ready I picked up Lila to protect her, and we went in with daddy so he could eat the monster. Of course she was freaked. We kept asking where the monster was hiding. "Is it under the bed? Is it in your closet?" And she would always reply no. Then Todd did a brilliant show of eating the monster, and we hoped all was well.

Not so! After Lila goes pee pee in the morning she usually rushes in to pick out her panties for the day. Not today. Today she needed mommy to come with her. And even then she couldn't do anything unless I was holding her. I had Todd come and take some pictures of our stalemate. Lila naked under her blanket on my lap, while I try to convince her that it is safe to get her panties out of her dresser. Even though daddy ate the monster, she is still scared. I just should have ignored that comment about biting.

Family Pics

We tried getting some family pictures for my side of the family. That Includes my parents, 7 siblings, 3 spouses, one cardboard cutout of an absent spouse, and 8 grandkids. Surprisingly, some of the pictures turned out pretty well. Although I must say, this one may be the best of all the pictures taken. Thank you to Taylor for snapping a few candid shots.

Florida

We took a very nice vacation at the beginning of May. A nice little ending to our semester and a start for summer. First we spent a few days at Jessica's house! It was wonderful. Lila loved having her cousins around and it is always fun when I get to see any of my sisters. The only bad part was the hole in our air mattress. Todd and I spend two nights waking up every few hours to pump up our bed again. Then Jessica called a friend and borrowed theirs instead- unfortunately it wasn't much better. But we got to relax, visit, play, and had a great time!

Todd being a good uncle and daddy

Lila found a new love of power tools

We visited a gym and let Lila and Adam play

No fear!

Se can usually climb up, but is too scared to come down

Got stuck. Literally for five minutes she didn't budge.

Then Adam came to her rescue. Took her hand and brought her up the rest of the way

Thank you so much Jessica and Matt for hosting us for a few days! It was so good to see you guys and play with Adam and Ellie. It was especially nice to prepare Lila for the next phase of our trip... leaving her behind while Todd and I went on a 7 day caribbean cruise! It was a bit sad to leave our beautiful baby, but it was so nice to relax for a bit. If you guys are all lucky, I'll get around to posting about that wonderful week as well. For now, just know Jessica wins an award for being an amazing sister!

All Done Work

Lila has been saying this to me for months. When she sees me put on my scrubs she stops whatever she is doing and says "no mommy work" over and over. Then when I tell her I have to go to work, she says "all done mommy work." Sometimes she even goes so far as to say that daddy should go to work instead. I have been tired and busy with work and school and church so have not gotten to see much of her. Especially this last semester I felt like even when I was with her I couldn't pay attention to her because I was doing homework or exhausted or making phone calls or something. Last summer staying home the whole time I felt like I had really found my calling in being a stay-at-home mom. When I went back to work in August I thought that I might choose to quit outright rather than stay on in a very part time capacity (i.e. 12 hours a week). But I still wasn't sure, after all I have worked hard to become a nurse and do have seniority in my job.

Then it took Todd a lot longer to find a job than we had hoped. A LOT longer. I thought I might be able to quit before Lila's second birthday. But that didn't happen. So I kept moving along. The endless wait made me more and more sure that I was simply done. I didn't want to be working at all anymore. I was just biding my time until Todd had something to keep us financially steady. I even considered quitting and just hoping he would find work soon.

When Todd came home from a job interview that lasted 5 hours because he was already starting a bit of orientation, I went straight to my managers office to put in my 2-weeks notice. If I had posted this at that time I would have been exhilarated, relieved, and overjoyed with the situation. I was even lucky with my schedule to only have to work a bit over 1 week instead of 2 because of the way my shifts fell in the week (I put in my notice on a Wednesday, and in two weeks I was scheduled Thursday and Friday so they fell outside the timeline). I ended up working 4 1/2 shifts since I put in my notice. The first three were wonderful. I was so happy. I decided not to tell anyone that I had quit. I just wanted to be there and enjoy my last few days without hooplah. Then I worked only a half shift because I was sick, and of course being sick is never fun so that wasn't the best night.

And last night was, well, my last night. It started out sad because one of my best friends at work was oriented to be a charge nurse, and I really wanted to train her. But the guy who was scheduled to charge told me he wouldn't let me charge for him. That really bummed me out. I will probably never work anywhere enough to be able to charge again, or at least for a long time. And I forfeited charging on Wednesday when I was sick. So I feel like I really missed out on my last opportunity. Plus it would have been really fun to spend my last night with my good friend, and I love orienting. Then the night was super crazy. I sat down for about 10 minutes for my lunch in the 13 hours I was there. And still didn't get everything done! The night flew by and I didn't really get to spend any time with the people there that I love and will miss.

And another thing happened too. I am still happy, but I have also become sad. I worked really hard to get where I am. I guess this is a bad thing but I think there are a few people at work who think I am full of myself. And it is because I am a really good nurse and I know it. I really care about patients, I stay calm in an emergency, I use my resources to make sure I'm providing the best care, I have good time management skills, I take time to teach and don't leave out anything important. I help everyone around me and love to be the one people come to with questions. I of course am not perfect, still make lots of mistakes (but not big ones), and as a girl am affected by emotions/hormones. But I have never been as good at anything else in my life. It feels really good to go somewhere and be good at something. It feels good to be appreciated. It is nice to feel accomplished. And of course I have a lot of good friends there, some of which I may never see again.

Before, I sacrificed being a mommy full time to support my family. But during that time I built a career. And now I am sacrificing my career for my beautiful Lila. Worth it, I know. But still a sacrifice. It feels strange. Unfortunately I never took pictures at work. Now I wish I had some. I wish I had taken a picture of my locker. Of the great people I worked with. Of myself in my awesome scrub dress. Of the big hole under the counter in the break room from where we broke the mini refrigerator, having to call poison control to make sure we weren't all going to breath CFC or freon or whatever is inside the cooling system. Or the WOW board with everyone's picture and all the nice things patients have written about us. It just seems weird to let it all go.

But I think in a few weeks, when Lila and I are happy as can be, and have a nice routine and so much more fun, I will remember again why I made this decision. She is my whole world. And I would do anything for her. Even this.

**Addendum Added June 2: The first words out of Lila's mouth this morning were "A Mommy all done workin!"

And it Came to Pass

Lila is not very good at listening when we read scriptures as a family. In fact, in order to keep her still for just a moment when we start she gets chocolate when we read scriptures every day. Usually a Hershey's Kiss. It takes her a moment to open the wrapper, then two moments to eat the chocolate, then she is off the walls again. We usually read the scriptures from the ipad, so sometimes I have wondered if she really recognized what scriptures were.

We keep a mini copy of the Book of Mormon in her diaper bag as one of the things for her to play with. Last week we pulled it out, sat down, opened it up and started saying"it came a pass, it came a pass, it came a pass, it came a pass." Todd and I were just about ready to die of pride. She is so cute. It is nice to know that she listens at least a little.

I'm Going to Die

This semester I took a palliative care class. It was all about nursing for dying people. This was our final:

After Reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, develop your own last lecture.  Use one to three pictures to describe the one lesson you would like to leave with your loved ones if you were to die.  Be prepared to describe for whom your last lecture will be as well as what you want them to learn from you.  Don’t forget to recognize any “head fakes” in your presentation.  Your presentation will be stopped at exactly 7 minutes; therefore any amount of time less than that is advised and/or acceptable.  Put some thought into this presentation for your grade will depend on ingenuity, depth and precision and the number of people in the class who learned from your “last lecture”.

I decided to write my last lecture to Lila. I told the class how old she is, and that I wrote the things that I would want her to know since she would have to grow up without knowing her mom. I don't know why I want to share this. I put a lot of work into it, and cried several times-including in front of the class when I presented it. No mom ever wants to think about leaving her kids all alone. There were some things I probably would have added if it were real, and some things I just would never have said in front of my class because they would be too personal. And I had to delete a bunch because it was just to dang long. So here is the brief, public version of my last lecture.

 Dear Lila: There are four things I feel are important for me to tell you.

·      First, since you will not remember anything about me, here are some things about me. Hopefully they are things that no one else will think to tell you.

o   I’ve only won one thing in my life. I won a picture contest at work with this picture. I worked hard and took a ton of pictures to win it.

o   I didn’t get my ears pierced until I was almost 16 years old

o   I don’t like condiments. I don’t put ketchup on anything

o   I am afraid to hit anyone because I think they will laugh at me

o   The only time I ever liked eating fish was when I helped catch it on Lake Powell in 6^th grade

o   I love to play Nintendo. Not video games, specifically Nintendo.

o   I loved high school chemistry and college stats

o   I love to wear new clothes

o   I panic if I realize I don’t have Chapstick with me

o   I get a thrill from rollercoasters

o   I think long words are cool and I like to try to say them

o   I still hate getting shots

o   I love swinging on the playground

o   Being outside makes me happy

o   I love music and dance

o   I love wearing my red heels

·     ·      The second thing you should know is how to get along with the people in your life. I’ll tell you about the most important ones:

o   Your dad. He is a wonderful man. He and I are almost polar opposites. As you can see from this picture, he is much more serious than I am. Because you will find out for yourself, I won’t tell you how great he is. Instead, I will tell you how to cope with some of his more frustrating attributes.

§  Everyone gets mad. He happens to have a loud temper. He yells and he hits things but he would never hit anyone- just their stuff. Even after screaming about how mad someone made him, he can turn around and be nice to them. Just ignore or leave during his anger fits and all will be well.

§  He is very passionate and opinionated. Know that it is ok to disagree with him. He will make you feel like if you don’t think the way he does that you are crazy or wrong or in some cases a terrible person. In some things you should agree with him and in some things you will not. Listen to what he says and think about it. Make your own decision about whether or not his opinion is right for you.

§  He is very protective. When I was pregnant with you he would get upset if I jumped up and down in excitement because he didn’t want your brain to get scrambled. With me gone he will be even more protective of you. It will be hard and frustrating. Be fair with him even though he won’t always be fair with you. Know that one day you will move out and can do some of the exciting things he didn’t let you.

o   Your Grandma Faber is amazing. You love her so much. Since your dad will probably move you to Philadelphia, I encourage you to keep a strong relationship with her. Sometimes she seems harsh, but she always has pure motives and will support the ones she loves. That means fair discipline if you are in the wrong, but fierce support when you are the one who has been wronged. Be honest with her always and follow her advice.

o   Grandma Itri is also wonderful. She is a lot more relaxed than your Grandma Faber. You should try to emulate that. Raising 6 boys including your down syndrome Unlce Brian and your crazy Papa Nick has helped her see what is important in life. Don’t be too sad if she isn’t able to shower you with gifts and time like your Grandma Faber will. She loves you just as much and is a good example for you.

You have a lot of aunts and uncles. You are lucky because they are all wonderful and amazing people. And they all love you. They will support you. Find the aunts you relate to the most, and let them guide you through your life. Take their advice. Let them know about your life and allow them to be a part of it.

     ·      The third thing is my advice for you in life

o   If you learn and live the gospel of Jesus Christ, you will be happy.

o   Be a good person. Be kind, honest, and non-judgmental.

o   Be calm. In thought, in actions, and in the way you speak.

o   Find out who you are. Don’t let outside influences tell you who you are or who you should be. This was so hard for me to learn. I was depressed a lot growing up because I wasn’t allowing myself to be who I knew I was, I just tried to conform to what I thought was cool.

o   As an example, here is a picture I am very proud of. In high school I was a nerd. I tried way too hard to be popular and it only made me sad. My senior year of high school I finally started to realize that I needed to be who I really was, and not who I thought a cool person should be. Because I became more confident, a really cute, popular boy knocked on my door and asked me to senior ball. Before our pictures I had an idea for our pose. I was afraid to say it because I didn’t want to look lame in front of such a cool guy. I almost chickened out. But in the end I made the suggestion, and he went with it. And look how great the picture turned out. To me this picture represents long-term acceptance of myself and a moment when I was honest, brave, and true to that person. And by the way, I never was very popular.

o   Lastly, as you find yourself, know that you will be most happy with who you become if you are temple worthy. Being yourself doesn’t mean giving in to every worldly desire you have.

·      The last thing I want you to know is how I will remember you.

o   First, you love the temple. Every time we drive by a church you point and shout “temple!” One of your favorite lullabies is the “temple song”. I won’t forget that about you, so please don’t forget it about yourself.

o   Another thing is how cute you are when you jump. You learned to jump quite a while ago, but you still sometimes struggle to get both feet off the ground. It is so cute. You jump when you’re happy or mad. You think it is so fun to run and jump into my arms. You have no fear that I will drop you. I hope you remember me whenever you get a chance to jump.

o   One of my favorite phrases of yours is “Mama, I do it!” When you are excited about one of your accomplishments, you will say this over and over until I acknowledge you. Or you say it when you don’t want my help. I hope you know throughout your life, whenever you say “Mama, I do it!” I will smile and be proud of you.

o   You can count to 11

o   You love dogs

o   You would rather be at Grandma Faber’s house than at home

o   You love to wear new clothes

o   You throw a tantrum when you see Chapstick until it’s in your hands

o   You get a thrill when we throw you in the air

o   You like to repeat long words over and over

o   You still hate getting shots, despite my best efforts

o   You love swinging on the playground

o   Being outside makes you happy

o   You love music and dance

o   You love wearing my red heels

·      More than anything else, know that I love you. I am not afraid of death, but it breaks my heart to leave you. I planned to be a mother my whole life. I have always lived by the advice to cherish every moment with you because you will grow up so fast. Still, more than 2 years after your birth, people give me compliments about how I light up when they ask about you. Everyone knows how in love with you I am. You are always in my heart. And don’t worry, you will see me again. Every night when you go to bed, I hope you will remember what I tell you every time I tuck you in: “I love you. You are so beautiful. Night night.”