All Done Work

Lila has been saying this to me for months. When she sees me put on my scrubs she stops whatever she is doing and says "no mommy work" over and over. Then when I tell her I have to go to work, she says "all done mommy work." Sometimes she even goes so far as to say that daddy should go to work instead. I have been tired and busy with work and school and church so have not gotten to see much of her. Especially this last semester I felt like even when I was with her I couldn't pay attention to her because I was doing homework or exhausted or making phone calls or something. Last summer staying home the whole time I felt like I had really found my calling in being a stay-at-home mom. When I went back to work in August I thought that I might choose to quit outright rather than stay on in a very part time capacity (i.e. 12 hours a week). But I still wasn't sure, after all I have worked hard to become a nurse and do have seniority in my job.

Then it took Todd a lot longer to find a job than we had hoped. A LOT longer. I thought I might be able to quit before Lila's second birthday. But that didn't happen. So I kept moving along. The endless wait made me more and more sure that I was simply done. I didn't want to be working at all anymore. I was just biding my time until Todd had something to keep us financially steady. I even considered quitting and just hoping he would find work soon.

When Todd came home from a job interview that lasted 5 hours because he was already starting a bit of orientation, I went straight to my managers office to put in my 2-weeks notice. If I had posted this at that time I would have been exhilarated, relieved, and overjoyed with the situation. I was even lucky with my schedule to only have to work a bit over 1 week instead of 2 because of the way my shifts fell in the week (I put in my notice on a Wednesday, and in two weeks I was scheduled Thursday and Friday so they fell outside the timeline). I ended up working 4 1/2 shifts since I put in my notice. The first three were wonderful. I was so happy. I decided not to tell anyone that I had quit. I just wanted to be there and enjoy my last few days without hooplah. Then I worked only a half shift because I was sick, and of course being sick is never fun so that wasn't the best night.

And last night was, well, my last night. It started out sad because one of my best friends at work was oriented to be a charge nurse, and I really wanted to train her. But the guy who was scheduled to charge told me he wouldn't let me charge for him. That really bummed me out. I will probably never work anywhere enough to be able to charge again, or at least for a long time. And I forfeited charging on Wednesday when I was sick. So I feel like I really missed out on my last opportunity. Plus it would have been really fun to spend my last night with my good friend, and I love orienting. Then the night was super crazy. I sat down for about 10 minutes for my lunch in the 13 hours I was there. And still didn't get everything done! The night flew by and I didn't really get to spend any time with the people there that I love and will miss.

And another thing happened too. I am still happy, but I have also become sad. I worked really hard to get where I am. I guess this is a bad thing but I think there are a few people at work who think I am full of myself. And it is because I am a really good nurse and I know it. I really care about patients, I stay calm in an emergency, I use my resources to make sure I'm providing the best care, I have good time management skills, I take time to teach and don't leave out anything important. I help everyone around me and love to be the one people come to with questions. I of course am not perfect, still make lots of mistakes (but not big ones), and as a girl am affected by emotions/hormones. But I have never been as good at anything else in my life. It feels really good to go somewhere and be good at something. It feels good to be appreciated. It is nice to feel accomplished. And of course I have a lot of good friends there, some of which I may never see again.

Before, I sacrificed being a mommy full time to support my family. But during that time I built a career. And now I am sacrificing my career for my beautiful Lila. Worth it, I know. But still a sacrifice. It feels strange. Unfortunately I never took pictures at work. Now I wish I had some. I wish I had taken a picture of my locker. Of the great people I worked with. Of myself in my awesome scrub dress. Of the big hole under the counter in the break room from where we broke the mini refrigerator, having to call poison control to make sure we weren't all going to breath CFC or freon or whatever is inside the cooling system. Or the WOW board with everyone's picture and all the nice things patients have written about us. It just seems weird to let it all go.

But I think in a few weeks, when Lila and I are happy as can be, and have a nice routine and so much more fun, I will remember again why I made this decision. She is my whole world. And I would do anything for her. Even this.

**Addendum Added June 2: The first words out of Lila's mouth this morning were "A Mommy all done workin!"