Thankful

Today Lila thanked me for a few things, and then she said "thank you for everything you do for me mommy!" Then she gave me a big hug. How does a three year old think to say something so thoughtful?

The last few weeks I have been trying to figure out how to make this "increased capacity to love" thing work. Everyone says when you have a new baby you are just able to love more. I must admit the first few weeks I started to disbelieve that notion. I always took it as a fact that it wouldn't be a problem. Then I would feed my baby boy and want my girl to just leave me the heck alone! I would feel so guilty that I didn't want her to be there with me. And then I would be doing something with the girl and the boy would start crying, and I would ignore him so I could focus a few more minutes on her.

Instead of feeling an increase of love, there was mostly just an increase in guilt. I loved both, but still felt like I could usually only love one at a time and so then I naturally had to neglect the other during that time.

I am happy to report that I am starting to find the right balance. Maybe it's because I am feeling physically more capable and not quite as exhausted (though still very tired), but at the very least I find more enjoyment in being with my babies. I am having more fun playing with Nick even though he doesn't really play back very well. I am again able to play and have fun with Lila as if she is the only thing in the world. The other day I was holding Nick, and Lila and I ran circles around the house laughing and giggling and just loving every minute. That was great because I was with them both.

Having two kids is hard. But I am finally starting to see how rewarding it is to add to your family. Even though finding the right adjustment has been very difficult, it has also brought a lot of unanticipated joy. Seeing Lila love her brother is more precious than I ever imagined. Thinking of all of us as a family together is beyond wonderful. And I know as time goes on, the time we spend together will be more and more meaningful because both of these angels are in my life.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else because sometimes I ramble incoherently. But if you don't yet have two kids, I have to say you are justified in being worried about how a second child will affect your relationship with your first. It is hard and scary and you might feel a little bit of guilt. But it is possible for all the good things people say about second children to come true. Work hard, be patient, and don't kick yourself too hard. It's worth it.